She turned, opening the door. “You know, you can call yourself a solider but you’re nothing more than a coward and I’m not sure you know what the word human means.” She slammed the door behind her.
He sighed, sinking to the floor against the wall he was standing against; sitting on the floor with his knees pressed up against his chest and his forehead resting atop them.
He knew he was weak and he knew he was a coward, he didn’t need her confirming it. He definitely wasn’t a soldier though, he wasn’t sure he ever truly had been, but what he did know was if he hadn’t left when he did he would’ve become reckless and irresponsible.
The desire to end his own life would’ve become so great that he’d have ended up putting Jim in danger because he wasn’t good enough. Because he was weak.
He made no effort to call Alex back, he had no doubt she couldn’t stand to be near him any more and, frankly, he didn’t blame her. She’d be better off without him.
She turned away, closing her eyes. “Yeah, ‘course, because you’re the only one who deals with that Sebastian. It’s all about you, isn’t it?” She swallowed passed the knot in her throat, shaking her head and muttering. “I was stupid, I was so stupid to think you could ever love me.”
“You know what, Alex?” He snapped suddenly, standing up from the wall and moving away. “Why don’t you just fuck off?” He spat angrily, moving back over to stand by one of the windows, looking out onto the street below.
“Maybe I was stupid for thinking I ever fucking could, Jesus Christ. You’re right, it’s not all about me, but if I hadn’t left then there would be no me left for it to be about.” He retorted bitterly, watching her in the reflection from the window.
Alex kissed his slowly, pulling back after minute or two and leaning her forehead against Sebastian’s. “That’s all I want Sebastian, that’s all I’m asking.”
He sighed and took a step away from her, leaning back against the wall.
“I can’t promise that.” He explained, his breath huffing exasperatedly. “I can’t promise that I won’t just disappear again because I don’t know what’s going to happen in a month, two months, maybe even a year.”
He scrubbed his hands on his face again before looking at her. “I don’t like to be in one place for too long. It makes me… Uncomfortable.” He admitted quietly. “It’s one of those childhood PTSD things.”
“I want to not feel like you have to leave again, I want you to not /want/ to leave again.” She nearly shouted, “I want to know what I am to you because according to you yesterday there was nothing to salvage. I-” She paused, taking a deep breath before leaning up to kiss him.
He froze for a moment as she pressed her lips to his, not sure how how to proceed. After a few seconds, he began to kiss back, slipping his hands up to rest on her waist as he attempted to process what was happening.
He didn’t make any efforts to control the kiss, letting her take control and proceed at her pace. He wasn’t even certain that she wasn’t about to stab him.
She spun around, “Dammit Moran don’t start defending me now! This is not about my gender, it’s about the fact that I made a mistake when I slept with you that first time! And I repeated that mistake because why would you be different? Until you were different.” Alex took a deep breath, speaking softer. “So it’s not about my gender Sebastian, it’s about you.”
He threw his hands up, exasperated. “I don’t know what you want from me Alex.” He admitted openly. “Do you want me to lie to you? Placate you with false promises and tell you that I’ll never leave again, never disappear again?” He demanded. “Because I will, if that’s what you want, but you deserve better than that.”
He paused for a moment. “You’re the only person I thought I could be honest with. If you want me to lie to you… If you think that is all that can salvage this then… Maybe we shouldn’t try.”
“I was an associate of your boss” she told him with a lazy smile. “Think of it as… I’m outsourcing” she muttered, meeting his gaze full on.
“Was?” He questioned casually, trying to gain more information about her, working out whether or not she should be on his list.
“You aren’t any longer?”
Alex stood her ground, glaring up at Sebastian. “Nothing, clearly I was reading too much into things, curse of being a woman I guess.” She took a deep breath and looked away, “I did what I came to do, kindly lose my number.” She turned sharply, opening the door and pausing for a millisecond to let him say something, hoping he would grab her and pull her back.
He raised an eyebrow as he watched her leave, speaking only just before she left the flat.
“Being a woman?” He spat derisively. “Are you for real, Alex? Are you really going to dismiss and degrade yourself because of your gender?”
He paused for a moment, considering her words. “Do you think that’s something I’d do? You do your job better than any of the men on the payroll, your gender makes no difference to anything, between us or professionally.”
“What am I to you? That’s all I want to know.” Alex picked up her stuff, hands on her hips. “I knew what this was before we started, of course but don’t be an arse and think that’s how it’s always gonna be. You can’t run away before its a little rough for you, that’s not fair to me. To anyone.”
“Jesus Christ, Alex.” He sighed exasperatedly. “You were a friend, now I don’t know what the fuck you are. Why don’t you tell me? Just like how you’re telling me how I should live my life and conduct my inter-personal relationships.” He snapped, standing up and taking a step closer to her.
“You can’t just come along telling me what I can and can’t do with my own life. As long as I have money and a passport I’ll do whatever the fuck I please.”
It was an act, of course.
He didn’t feel like acting out on his anger at the moment, he was so angry he could be angry. It made him more tired than anything else and just passing out for a second, be it real or not, would be a blessing. Sorting thoughts, he felt Sebastian remove his scalpel, which was a bit annoying, but he made no move to stop him.
He was completely limp when he was shaken, but it did make his eyes flutter a little so he figured he’d open them again.
“Just making sure you’re still alive, sir.” He explained before straightening up and gracefully rolling up to his feet, heading over towards the kitchen.
“Can I get you anything? Cup of tea, something to eat?” He suggested, trying to coax another response out of the man lying on the couch.
Sebastian knew that these moods were always the worst, where Jim was concerned. He knew that the man was just trying to lull him into a false sense of security, but Sebastian had been around too long to fall for that one now and instead he would just keep himself busy until Jim came out with what he had to say.
She took a deep breath, setting her mug on he counter but not bothering to pick up her stuff just yet. She did pull a plastic bag out of her purse and throw it at Sebastian. “There, it’s the clothes you left at my place.” She looked away for a moment. “I thought you cared about me for a while there, I wanted you to so badly, but I was clearly wrong. Maybe it’s a good thing you were dead for a while, I’ll just go back to that state of mind.”
He caught the bag as he raised his eyebrows, scoffing at her tone. “For a while there, I did.” He bit back, just as harshly.
“Though if you’re going to act like this just because I go off-map for a while then perhaps you should. You knew what the parameters were before you even got involved with me, so I don’t understand what I’ve done to warrant this kind of reaction from you.” He explained, his tone cooler and less spiteful.
Jim’s mouth twisted in annoyance while Sebastian continued replying to him with words sounding far too smug for his explaining voice. South America. That somehow made him even more furious, Sebastian hadn’t even been in Britain, not even in Europe. He’d been so far away from Jim that if he was in any kind of danger he wouldn’t have been able to come back for him. It made him unreliable, it made him a bad employee.
The next statement wasn’t helping either. How casual could he be when he’d just admitted he had disappeared out of the country without actually telling Jim he was off, and there was no excuse for that, not even the fact they had argued rather awfully a few weeks before.
He really couldn’t be bothered with words.
He closed his eyes.
And fell forwards.
Sebastian saw Jim go limp and leapt forwards, catching the man under his arms and dragging him carefully across to the couch where he set him down. He casually patted down Jim’s pockets as he did and swiftly removed the scalpel, setting it on a high shelf where he knew the smaller man would not be able to reach it before moving back over.
“Boss?” He questioned lightly, shaking Jim’s shoulders. He didn’t know whether or not this was an act, so he was careful to lean over Jim’s arm to effectively restrain him should it be a rouse in order to attempt to grab Sebastian.
She shook her head, snapping “Why does it matter if they found me?” She wasn’t hopeful, nothing he could possible say could make this any better for him. “If you aren’t going to even try to understand where I’m going from, why do you care?”
He sighed aggrievedly, running a hand through his hair again before looking up to glare at her. “If you want to think I don’t care about you, then fine, but that’s on you.” He growled. “Don’t you dare make me out to be the bad guy here.”
He paused for a moment, standing up and taking his cup into the kitchen, dropping it into the sink and then moving back to the doorway. “And you know damn well that if MI6 managed to track my contacts back to you then it’s only a matter of time before they get to Jim and that simply cannot happen.”
She closed her eyes for a moment, “We really need to work on your communication skills.” She squared her shoulders, “Look, if you need a break from people where are better ways of doing it than playing dead. You should have told me you were going.”
He raised his eyebrows. “The point was that nobody knew I was going. I didn’t even tell Jim.” He pointed out before shrugging.
“I didn’t want anybody being able to follow me there and, once I was there, I didn’t want anybody being able to track me back to you. I’ve explained this already.”
“What do you think I do? We do the same thing but that doesn’t mean you have to be a bitch all the time.” She took a deep breath, “If you wanted rid of everyone in your life why did you text me? Why even bother?”
“I didn’t want rid of everyone.” He scoffed. “I just… Needed a break. I am not a social butterfly, I can’t deal with constantly being around people and sometimes I…” He paused, taking a deep breath and exhaling slowly.
“Sometimes I need a break before I break. It doesn’t mean I want to be away forever, but it also means I can’t promise not to disappear again.”